


I'm so fucked up

by pulchramors



Series: I'm never going to finish this lmao [2]
Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: (kind of), Angst, Blood, Bondage, Choking, Daddy Issues, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drowning, Forced Orgasm, Hurt No Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Knifeplay, M/M, Mental Instability, Murder, Necrophilia, Nightmares, Verbal Abuse, Violence, Vomiting, Whump, but like the word daddy isnt used and they arent sex related, its as bad as it gets, look shido is here and it is a nightmare, sorry if you came from that tag lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:15:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24804550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulchramors/pseuds/pulchramors
Summary: Akechi has a nightmare featuring a... special guest or two.Waking up doesn't feel very good either.(Technically a direct continuation of this: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24722767 , but can be read as stand-alone. Read the notes for trigger warnings (and some context)! Heed the dead dove: do not eat warning and read the notes!!)
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: I'm never going to finish this lmao [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1798690
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	I'm so fucked up

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I am having a really bad month(more like year lmao) and Akechi is paying for it apparently. Sorry pancake! (﹒︠₋﹒︡) English isn't my native, so let me know if there are any grammar/spelling mistakes!
> 
> Some context for the things in the end and beginning to make more sense: Previously, Akira came over to talk about some bad stuff, some other bad stuff happened, he brought Akechi soup, they end up laying on Akechi's bed and he fell asleep. Forehead kisses and hand-holding may have been included.  
> Not as cute as it sounds, but read it if you want (link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24722767 )
> 
> Skip the trigger warning if you want to go into this spoiler-free!
> 
> Warning:  
> All of these are in a dream and while it is obvious to the reader, Akechi doesn't understand it is one until he pretty much wakes up, because dreams work that way most of the time:  
> violent rape/non-con (penetrative sex and kissing), violence/hitting and general injuries (slapping, punching, biting, slamming on the wall/ground, kicking, dragging, hair-pulling, knife threatening (?) ), verbal abuse (there are many, many bad things throughout the whole thing, worth issues, victim blaming), (non-con) bondage (hanging, being bound by metal wires) cuts/cutting (?the metal wires are sharp and leave a number of bleeding cuts on the wrists and legs, also there's implied suicide by cutting),chocking , knifeplay (non-con, blowjob), threatening (concerning the knifeplay, basically "blow it or worse-"), blood (there's lots of bleeding from the cuts, split lips, blood used as lube, blood overflowing from a bathtub, just lots of blood, more than realisticaly because it's a fucked up nightmare), implied/referenced suicide (Akechi's mom), necrophilia (implied/described? mostly, but there's kissing a -technically not but yeah- dead body), murder (the interrogation room scene -though a bit different a)bc this takes place midway Sae's palace and b)bc it's a fucked up nightmare- which shifts to include the other pts (that's the only time they appear), mentioned generic murders/mental shutdowns, mentioned Okumura's/Isshiki's death), daddy issues (No one calls anyone daddy, more of the generic disapointment stuff? Idk how to describe this. Oh mommy issues but honestly compared to everything else they're mild and kinda just implied...) Honestly, Shido should be a trigger warning on his own. 
> 
> Outside the dream: Vomiting (both um normal and forced?), maybe self-harm (?the vomiting thing), not a very good time in general. There's also mentioning of previous injuries existing, but like that's a whole other fucked up thing, go read the previous fic if you're curious about it.
> 
> Each dream "scene" is separated with those lines, you know what I mean, feel free to skip one -or more- if you want. They come in the following order:
> 
> -Akira/Akechi, the one closer to being "real"  
> -Joker?/Akechi  
> -Akechi's mom (Joker's still there for a while but he disappears)  
> -Yaldabaoth  
> -Interrogation Room  
> -Akira?/Akechi +Shido  
> -Shido / Drowning
> 
> This is technically a bit out of character, but it does take place in a dream and when Akechi's already fragile, almost non-existent mental stability has taken some pretty bad hits.

The studio apartment had taken a soft, red-ish tint, as if the sun was setting right outside, light peeking in between the half-closed blinds. At the same time, something felt...

_Off._

Akira was still laying next to him, now turned on his back and looking at the ceiling, humming a tune he couldn't quite place. He knew he'd heard it before, but it slipped just out of his reach when he tried to remember. 

Akechi opened his mouth to ask him about it, but Akira just turned, leaned into him, and softly brushed his lips against his own. Akechi blinked in surprise, about to sluggishly move away when _he bit him._

Akechi hissed and jumped back, hitting against the wall behind him, feeling his bottom lip starting to swell already.

" _What do you think you're doing?-"_

Akira just smirked in reply and something felt off about seeing that same, almost sadistic smirk he had when robbing shadows at gunpoint without the Joker mask.

"Now we match." He explained, moving closer quickly and pinning him to the wall, pushing his wrists down, gripping them tightly in one hand. 

_"Are you fucking kid-"_ he didn't manage to finish as Akira pressed their lips together once again, biting down again and again until Akechi gasped in pain and fuck, there was blood, so much blood it was _all_ he could taste. He felt his tongue push into his mouth and for a second he considers bitting down, but fuck, _he is_ a good kisser and before he gets the chance to, he pulls back, their lips connected with a trail of bloody saliva and Akechi gaps, trying to shake off the grip in his wrists, _but he can't, why can't he just shake him off-_

"You said I can do _whatever_ I want, right?" Akira said, slapping him, making his head fall to the side and immediately biting down on the side of his neck. "And right now, I want to do _this -"_ he sucked hard on the bite, making him almost moan. "- _and all the other suggestions you made before."_

 _"You fucking piece of shi-"_ Akira pulled back punched him, this time, straight to the middle of his face, making him cry out and see stars as his vision darkened in the edges, the back of his head slamming painfully to the wall behind from the force of the blow. He pressed him even more against it, bringing his wrists up and holding them above his head as he leaned back down and continued kissing him, his other hand pressing lightly on his stomach.

"What did you really think I had nothing better to do than go and check up on _you_ of all people, _without_ wanting anything in return? Stop kidding yourself." He smirks, seeing the confusion and anger he couldn't hide from his expression. " _You're pathetic._ What are you going to try and fight me? _You know I'm **better** than you. _So shut up and take it like-" Akechi growls at him and knees him in the chest -or well, _tries to_. Before he can connect the blow, even at the impossibly short distance, Akira had somehow managed to pull back and avoid it, lifting him from his wrists like he weighed nothing and throwing him roughly on the ground, landing on his back with a sickening crack. Akechi tries to stumble up but his limbs feel impossibly heavy and moving painfully slow, far too slow- 

* * *

There were golden metal threads tangled around his limbs, pressing hard against his skin as he tried to move, the world around him suddenly changing from his apartment to something that felt close to the metaverse, cold and hard and vertigo-inducing as black and red melted together all around him.

Akechi feels a kick hard on his chest and he gasps for air, snapping his head up to look at...

" _Joker?"_

His face was almost completely hidden in the shadows cast by the low light, but there was no mistaking that grey and black outfit with the red gloves, hovering over him, leaning down to cup his face roughly with one hand. He titled his face as if examining him, his eyes as sharp as ever behind the familiar black and white mask. 

Akechi spits on him. 

Joker _??_ doesn't even bother to wipe it off his face, instead, he just closes his hands around Akechi's neck, presses down hard, and just _laughs._

Akechi's eyes widen as he squirms, tries to pry his hands off, only resulting in harsh cuts against the wires that make him hiss as he slowly loses focus, slowly falling limb as moving became harder and vision starts to blur and _he_ doesn't seem to even be bothered by it just _laughing and laughing and-_

He lets go and Akechi starts breathing rapidly again, coughing and trying to roll over instinctively, his chest heaving, metal digging in the fresh cuts painfully and drawing blood as he struggled again now that he could finally breathe.

"See? This is what happens to people around you. You just bring out the worst, most fucked up parts of them. You're a monster. _You destroy everything."_ Joker? Akira? Whatever _that_ was, hums and sits on his chest, taking out his knife, blade reflecting the unnatural light around them. He waits for him to start breathing somewhat normally again before he moves his hand, pressing the blade against the rapidly beating vein on his neck, not enough to actually cut, but enough to make him still himself. "The only thing you can do right is be a _pretty useless little tool and_ _twist people's hearts and minds, make them unredeemable little monsters just like you._ Until it becomes too much and they kill themselves to get away from you, **_just like she-"_**

_"Shutupshutup **shutup, shut up you fucki-"**_

"I wonder what exactly is wrong with you... Just _how_ did someone as screwed up as _you_ even manage to exist in the first place?"

"There's _nothing wrong_ with me! It's - _It's the world that's-"_

 _"That's right._ The world as it is is ugly and cruel and _there's no place for someone like you in it."_

 _"Just shut up already!_ I don't -"

"Just my existence proves it, right? Everything you ever did, no matter how hard you try to justify it, I'm the living proof you're _just a sad screw-up._ And that scares you right? It scares you that-" Joker? pulled down the knife, slowly cutting up his shirt." _I'm better than you. I will **always** be so better than you. _Everyone loves me. I'm so talented - I don't even have to try. I can take _everything_ away from you on a whim." he pulled the knife away and twirled it around, letting the ripped fabric dissolve into red and black and completely disappear. He raised an eyebrow. _"That's all_ it took to get you to shut up? _Really? God, you really are **that pathetic, aren't you?"**_

 ** _"I'm going to kill you."_** Akechi glared sharply, his voice icy with pure rage. Joker? laughed.

"Yes. That is the right _order_ of things." His voice sounded strange and echoey, his eyes glimmering with a silver-ish hue for a split second. " _But first_ \- I'm going to make suffer, just to be sure."  
He roughly stabbed the knife to the ground, right next to his head, catching his hair with the blade and just grazing his ear. Akechi's eyes widened and he froze for a moment, before starting to struggle again in earnest, hissing as the metal wires pressed into the already cut up skin, his limbs slipping, slick with _blood_ making more cuts. Joker? doesn't react, watching intensely, gaze focused, let's him struggle and get increasingly angrier and frustrated, ignoring his screaming threats and swearing seemingly amused to _just watch_ for a while, as if studying a battle plan in a safe room, before he pulls back his hand _and punches him in the face again._

_And again._

_And again,_ hard _enough_ to make his knuckles pop and hear something crack.

Then he punches once more, just to see his barely coherent expression still dazed from the previous ones turn into fear as his face snaps _too close_ to the gleaming blade. 

Joker? grabs the weapon and slowly pulls it out of the ground and gets off him. Akechi managed to get a decent kick on him as he stepped back, even as the metal wrapped around him cut into his skin so hard it made him scream and his whole body shudder with pain, leaving a large deep slash. 

The fact that he seemed completely unfazed just made him even angrier. 

Joker snapped his fingers and the metal strings pulled him up, hovering over the ground, hanging painfully mostly by his wrists. Akechi cried out, tried to shift the weight off his aching hands somehow. His fingers were turning purple, he realized and there were _obscene_ amounts of warm blood, _was blood supposed to feel this hot? It was almost burning into his skin, trickling down his hands and his body, pooling down underneath him, leaving an almost acidic slimy path behind._

Joker chuckled, clearly amused by his struggling, before giving the knife another playful spin between his fingers and bringing it close to Akechi's face. 

_"Open your mouth."_

Akechi shut it as tightly as he could, pushing his lips into a thin line. Joker clicked his tongue in annoyance. " _I **won't** ask twice." _

Akechi just glared at him, raising his finger to flip him off, so he punched him in the stomach, making him almost double over and cry out, taking the chance to shove the blade past his lips and grab him by his neck with his other hand, keeping him somewhat still so it wouldn't actually stab him. Akechi felt the wide edge of the blade press down on his tongue, the point dangerously close to the back of his mouth and for a split second the thought of just slamming his head forward, impaling himself on it and making everything end flashes in his head. Before he can fully process it though, he feels it slowly get pulled back, until it's halfway out. 

_"Put on a good show, **or** this is getting shoved in worse places."_ Joker - _or rather that thing with Joker's face, he couldn't believe he of all people would do this to anyone, even him-_ threatens in a low voice. 

Akechi takes a deep breath through his nose.

The threat is enough.

He closes his eyes, hesitating, letting drool pool into his mouth, only slowly moving his head when he felt the flat of the blade press down harder, leaving on the dark metal a trail of saliva - _and blood-_ he realizes as he opens his eyes, fixing his gaze on the knife and the red glove holding it, rather than Joker's ? face. He lets his tongue hang out of his mouth, just touching the tip, before licks his lips when he pulls completely back, ignoring the way his cheeks burn, the way he feels angry tears pooling at his eyes and most importantly, the pure, cold _terror_ steadily rising in his guts, feeling worse than any hit. He carefully mouths it again, trying not to cut his tongue - _and failing, just a small cut but leaving behind so much blood the blade almost_ _turning crimson and he can feel himself choke on it, spitting it over the knife and unto the ground as he moves his head-_ hands curled into fists and shaking. He takes it as far into his mouth as he can and moves his head up and down, leaving it dripping with drool and blood, _blood, blood, **blood** -_

_Joker laughs_

"You're sick. I bet you wish this was my cock. _So desperate, so eager to please, you'll just go down on your knees for **anyone** who shows you even a shred of decency. **Not that you deserve even that.** " _Akechi doesn't answer, just tries to tune it out, taking a shaky breath as he moves his head to the side and carefully moves his face against the weapon, tongue still out and _dripping red_. "Hey, Akechi, when you fantasize about killing me, do you ever think of doing this to my **_cold dead body?_** " Joker laughs again and Akechi freezes, finally looking up at him. He just nudges the blade back into his mouth. " _F_ _uck my head where you bust it open with a bullet?_ Or maybe before killing me? Not quite as fucked up someone like you would like, but I guess pushing me into the interrogation room table before you blow my brains out, has a certain appeal too." He _finally_ pulls the knife away. 

" _What do you want from me?"_ Akechi snaps immediately, " _Revenge? Is that it?"_ his subconscious not really comprehending this hasn't happened, he hadn't killed him yet to seek revenge, this isn't _even_ _real_. 

_Joker ?_ just hums, twirling the knife in his hand once again before wiping it on Akechi's bare thigh - _wait bare? Since when? He was certain Joker had only cut up his shirt-_

Joker doesn't really explain or answer. Instead, he backs down and Akechi seems a faint glimmer in the dim...wherever this was anyway, before he felt more threads wrap around his thighs and ankles, raising his legs up and completely suspended, hissing from the sting of the new cuts and feeling the pressure on his hands lessen -

NO.

_No,no,no-_

_" **Fuck you."**_ he screams " _Just kill me instead you piece of shit, fuck you, **fuck you, fuck-"**_

Joker? just grabs him by his knees, pulling them apart, still silent, burying one gloved hand in one of his fresh cuts, coating it blood and pressing down harshly, making Akechi scream and squirm away. It was completely _infuriating_ _,_ how casual he was as he slipped two fingers, slick with his _own fucking blood_ inside him, with the same bored, nonchalant expression, like he was punching his train card before using the subway. Akechi bites his lips, trying to stifle any noise, trying to hide his face as he presses his head in his shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut, focusing on taking slow, steady breaths as he clenches his fists with such force his knuckles going white and his nail draw blood, digging inside his palms.

Joker? just watches, quickly replacing his fingers with his dick and slowly pushing in. Akechi guesses he should be thankful he didn't slam it right in, but just the thought makes him nauseous. His whole body trembles when he's fully in him.

He moves slowly and steady, almost in a gentle rhythm, making him wish he'd just get this over with. 

At least it was easy to tune out, for a moment, before he feels one of Joker's ? hands wrap around his dick. Akechi's eyes snap open and Joker ? squeezes it with a smirk, before starting to slowly stroke him, ignoring the almost noncoherent, breathless "no"s and "fuck you"s Akechi starts shouting again, hand moving easily, still slick with _blood._

_Akechi feels his skin crawl as he turns hard, clenching around Joker's ? cock._

_He feels sick._ Everything hurt but this suddenly felt _good, so good_ , why - He hates how he whimpers when Joker ? takes his hand off, wipes it on his thigh and most of all he hates how he _screams_ when he pulls out almost completely before he slams roughly into him, squirms and writhes and _fucking moans_ as he fucks into him violently, mouth hanging open and forming noncoherent words, cumming with a sob and Joker? fucks him through it and past it, Akechi's whole body shaking with hiccuping sobs, twitching and oversensitive, clenching his teeth as he cums in him, keeps inside until he goes completely soft.

He hisses when he finally pulls out and steps back. He suddenly feels the wires around him disappear, the pressure releasing and he falls to the ground, scrambling to his knees, slowly folding his arms around his chest, curling up on himself and trying to take slow, steady breaths.

* * *

He doesn't know how long he's kneeling there, but his tears start to dry up eventually.

He feels a gloved hand on his back and his breath gets caught in his throat.

"Aren't you done already? _Isn't it enough?_ " 

"Don't act like you _didn't_ enjoy it. Like you enjoy _all the sick things you do."_

He felt him crouch and sit behind him, softly, gently, grab his arms, lifting his wrist to press it on his lips, licking the still dripping blood from where a wire had cut him. _Shouldn't he have died of blood loss by now?_ _Or at least pass out, just let him pass out, **let it end already**_ **-**

Joker? cups his chin from behind with one hand, in an awkward angle, since he's still sitting behind him and slowly lifts his face up.

"Come on." he lets out a small chuckle " _Just look at you._ " In front of them - _him? There's no one reflected beside himself, but he still can feel Joker ?, feel his grip strong as steel in his face as he tries to look away_ \- there's a large, jagged mirror, edges encased in red metal.

He glares back at his reflection for the lack of something better to do since he can't look away, clicking his tongue. Joker? hums in a strange voice and the mirror shifts. His breath hitches and he tries to shut his eyes but he can't. 

_"That's just fucking cruel."_ he mutters, staring at the familiar face. Same soft brown hair, albeit longer. Same blank, round brown eyes, just deep enough to look like they have a reddish tint. Same pale bruised skin. She looks at him with one of these looks. The ones he tried to ignore through his childhood, those that usually only flickered for a moment, unless she was drunk or was having a particularly bad day, those that it was clear she was thinking she should never have kept him. Akechi feels tears come in his eyes again and he tries to squirm away to no avail.

"What, aren't you happy you're following your mother's footsteps?" Joker ? laughs " _You're just like her -"_

_"I'm **nothing** like her!"_

"How?"

"I'm not some _weak, sentimental -"_ his voice broke, turning into a sob. "I'm -"

"Tell her."

Akechi took a deep breath and locked eyes with the reflection.

"I'm _nothing_ but a ruthless murderer. I don't - I've lost count of how many people- how many lives I've ruined and - and, fuck, _not even counting_ collateral damage from the metal shutdowns-"

"Like Futaba?" Akechi nodded.

"I - I enjoy watching the shadows squirm around, _begging_ to not kill them. _Shit, it makes me feel so alive_ , having _this much power_ over the _sickest_ parts of someone's fucking psyche - Isshiki was no exception."

"Okumura too?"

" _Especially **that** piece of shit._ Fuck - he was such _a_ _ pathetic son of a bitch -_" he drew in a sharp breath. "I've hurt, I've killed so many people, I used, I let myself be used just to get to _that piece of trash, that good for nothing fucking god complex motherfucker Masayoshi Shido, **my - my father**_ and I'm not - _ **I'm not going to stop until he's begging me for mercy**_. " His mother smiled and he felt the grip around him disappear. She stepped out of the mirror, closer to him and he balled his hands into fists, looking away as if he was afraid she would disappear if he continued to look at her or tried to move closer.

She kneeled in front of him, softly cupping his face with both hands.

"Goro. Look at me, honey." Her voice is sweet. So, so sweet, dripping like cheap syrup. He takes a deep breath and raises his gaze to meet hers, tears pooling in his eyes. " _Here's my little monster._ " she smiles pressing a kiss to his forehead. " _I'm so, so proud of you._ " He sobbed and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"M-Mom, I-" she hugged him back, rubbing circles on his back reassuringly.

"Sh, it's alright."

"It _hurts_. It hurts so much -"

"It's okay. _You deserve it, don't you?"_ he nodded, pressing tightly against her. "You deserve it for being _weak_. Strong people are able to do what they want, strong people don’t get used by other people. You can't want other people to get close to you, because they're going to see how weak you truly are." he just cried into her, his hands clasped tightly around her faded dress. She pulled back a little and stared at him vacantly. " Goro. _I need you to say it, honey_. " It was the same tone and look she got on her bad days, when she grabbed him and made him promise to be better than her, to not be a piece of shit like his father, _whatever she wanted to hear_. He took a shaky breath, trying to steady his voice.

" I d-deserve-I deserve it. Because I'm - I'm weak."

"Good. What else?" she softly patted his hair and it took everything in him not to sob again, head spinning.

"I'm a monster. I don't need anyone. And I have to - I have to be stronger." she smiled again and got up, turning around and walking away. " _W-Wait -!"_ He tried to get up to chance after her, but he couldn't get his legs to work, so he just reached out his hands, trying to grab her, stretching as far as he could but she was _just_ out of reach. " _Please -"_ She stopped and looked over her back at him. He bit his lips. " _Don't leave me again, I love you - mom please -"_

She turned away and disappeared in red mist without an answer.

* * *

He slumped down, staring at the ground, slowly trying to control his breaths. He heard chains rattling and he slowly raises his head. There are golden chains on the floor and thousands upon thousands of cages, illuminated by a harsh red light, some filled with silhouettes he can barely make out in the distance. He can feel something looming behind him but he doesn't care enough to turn to see what it was. Cold metal starts wrapping around him, but he can't bring himself to care, just watches a snake-like figure coil near his body, golden wings cradling him

"The Trickster must die." A voice echoes and that gets his attention.

" _Who_?" his voice feels like sandpaper as the creature moves more, revealing a silvery lion head sprouting from his body. It states at him and summons thick golden chains that tie around his left hand.

"You know what you have to do."

**_He knew._ **

* * *

He blinked and he was suddenly standing, wearing his school uniform, perfectly ironed, leather gloves wrapped tightly around his hands, the chains turned into a gun tightly closed in his grip.

It felt heavy.

In front of him was a dark grey door. He knew _exactly_ where he was. He hesitates a second before opening it. Inside, the room is small and simple. A useless camera, that wouldn't be used for evidence. A metal table and two chairs.

 _Akira Kurusu_ _cuffed_ in one of them, head slightly slumped. He stepped inside and softly closed the door. Akira raised his head and smiled hopefully his _\- grey? blue? What color were his eyes anyway? -_ eyes lightening up behind his glasses. _He'd hoped he came to rescue him._ Akechi smiles, making his way to stand in front of him on the other side of the table.

 ** _Too fucking bad_**.

He had a while fucking speech prepared. He'd been fantasizing about this moment for _weeks, months even._

His throat suddenly felt awfully dry as he raised the gun to Akira's head, pressing it right in the middle of his forehead, pushing soft black bangs aside.

 _He hesitates_ , studying Akira's face for a moment, watching his expression slowly change.

There's a bruise forming at the side of his face- _from getting punched or maybe from being shoved around_ \- and it looks like someone had dragged him by the collar of his school jacket, stretching the dark fabric.

**_Akira looks at him with fucking pity._ **

Even when facing death he's - _Fuck dramatic speeches._ He clicks his tongue and shots him, watch his eyes widen and glaze over, blood and brains scattering before his head falls back and hangs unnaturally, his body still tied and propped up because of the cuffs.

He steps back. Turns to leave. Then turns around again and shoots him _again and again and again,_ not bothering to aim properly. The door opens without him realizing and he only stops when he hears screaming. He turns his head. _Ah_. The rest of the Phantom Thieves, coming to save their _precious_ leader. _Too bad they were too late for that._ He ignores their screaming accusations, their tears, their threats, and shoots all of them until they are a neat pile of _motionless corpses._

His ears ring from the sound of the gunshots. He drops the smoking gun to the ground and starts _laughing, pushing his palms over his eyes and digging his nails into his scalp._

It wasn't funny, he decides, taking a deep breath to calm himself. He lets his hands fall down. His gloves match Joker's now. 

He takes a shaky breath and grabs Akira's motionless, still warm - _burning even_ \- body, throwing it on the floor next to his friends. He kicks it for good measure.

He isn't moving. None of them are.

He feels... _Empty._ He kneels and looks at his unblinking eyes. He cups his face and hovers over him, feeling blood slip on his gloves and down to the floor.

_He closes his eyes and kisses him._

Suddenly, there's movement. Akechi pulls back. Akira was smiling teasingly, as if they were playing on that ridiculous old console in his attic, trying to beat each others high score. Akechi lets out a relieved sigh and pressed Akira's head to his chest, crying. _The others would wake up soon too right?_ Then Akira's smile twisted into a cruel smirk when he looked up at him.

 _"What was that about **not** being a sentimental hooker?"_ Akira pushed him onto the pile of bodies.

Akechi couldn't bring himself to care anymore. He feels belts and limbs dig into him, their blood seeping into his clothes. 

_"Just kiss me._ _Please_. I just need -" he almost sobbed and bit his lips _"Everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be okay, everything_ -" he closed his eyes rambling madly.

* * *

"Told you he was _that_ desperate." Akechi recognizes where he was not from the plush carpet he was suddenly laying on but from the _smell._ Expensive cologne - that piece of shit put on a _sickening_ amount, a kind of earthly scent he never quite placed over the years - and cigarettes, a hint of air freshener lingering behind that.

**_Shido's office._ **

He snaps his eyes open and quickly tries to scramble up. There's a kick to his stomach.

"Who told you to get up?" Akira? was standing next to Shido, wearing a sharp suit with a red tie, matching a pair of gloves like the ones he wore in the metaverse. His glasses were tucked on the breast pocket of the suit and even his hair looked like less of a mess than normal. Akechi finds himself staying on his knees out of sheer instinct and confusion and Shido _laughs_ \- _actually laughs as if he was told a joke_ \- and places his hand on Akira's? shoulder.

" _Nice kick._ " Shido hums and Akechi felt himself panicking as Akira? muttered a casual thanks. They looked at him and _fucking sneered._ " _Tch_." Shido clicked his tongue. _"Wanna say something Akechi_?" Akechi felt his head spinning.

"I - I don't - Sir, what - _what is going on_?" Shido rolls his eyes and Akira? smirks.

"And _to think_ I used to believe there _might_ be a brain in that thick head of yours." Shido scoffed. " _You still don't get it, do you?_ "

" _I don't know - What -_ " Akira? sighs.

" _Let me explain_ \- You hesitated. If you _can't_ follow orders, there's _no reason for you to even exist_ -" Akechi opened his mouth to say something but Akira? glared at him. " _Don't talk out of turn._ " he said sharply and he felt his breath hitch and he couldn't speak even if he tried as if under a spell, a lump rising in his throat. Akira ? lets out an approving hum before continuing. **_"I'm better than you._** So you got _replaced_. I _even_ convinced Shido here-" _Shido? Fucking Shido?_ The thought of Akira of all people referring to _that man_ so fucking casually made his blood boil. "- _to actually be a good person now._ No change of heart required. I'm so _charismatic_ and _good_ , I just talked him into it. We're working together to make the whole world a better place for everyone. " Akechi feels tears pooling in his eyes again and his hands, resting on his lap started shaking with rage. Akira shook his head. "Well _except_ you. You _can't_ be spared _after everything you've done_ , can you now?" 

Shido hums in agreement. 

"I couldn't have said it better myself." He smiles,- _he fucking smiles proudly at Akira? Just like that? When he had to carefully navigate every conversation and bust his ass for even a nod-_ and Akechi feels bile rising in his throat. Akira ? walks up to him. 

"Well, there _might_ be other uses for you. Your mouth isn't half-bad-"

" ** _Screw you."_** Akechi finds his voice again. Akira laughs and shoves him and he's about to lunge at him when Shido slowly walks up to him as well, making him freeze completely, cold sweat gathering around the collar of his shirt. Shido cracks his knuckles.

"Now, since you can't even be somewhat useful, _it's time to dispose of you."_

* * *

Akechi turns and tries to scramble up, to run away, but his body hits _s_ _omething_ hard and wooden and he blinks, the room around him spinning and changing once again.

In front of him, there is a familiar wooden sliding door. It doesn't close all the way and there is some water damage on the bottom. 

_That's how most of his nightmares usually started, he realized in a panic._

He glanced back. Akira ? was gone, but Shido was still standing behind him, face hidden in the shadows. There were familiar, green-ish tiles on the walls and floor. Some mold on the ceiling. A small window, casting a harsh light in the room. On the sink a plastic cup with two toothbrushes. 

_But most importantly, a bathtub -thankfully empty, this time- filled to the brim with murky bathwater stained with blood, slowly overflowing, bloody water slowly taking over the ground and inching towards him._

He screams and thrashes as Shido drags him to it by the hair. Akechi tries to claw at his father's hand, tries to get out, thrashes, and just keeps _screaming and pleading._

_Somewhere in his panic, he realizes that no matter how cruel Akira, Joker or whatever that was, it never even touched his hair._

Completely unceremoniously, Shido slams his head on the side of the bathtub, which was now seemingly completely filled with just blood, oozing like a fresh wound and running down his hair and face making him gag, before he simply lifts him up with one hand and shoves his head underwater. Akechi tries to thrash upwards, feeling himself cough up acidy, foul-tasting liquid, chocking on it -

* * *

Akechi rolled over on his stomach, slightly lifting himself from the bed with shaking hands, gasping for air, and throwing up on his sheets.

His bangs were sticking to his forehead and he was trying to calm down his rapid breaths, one hand holding him somewhat up, the other rising to clutch tightly the fabric over his chest as he felt his rapid heartbeat.

_A dream._

**_Just a fucking dream._ **

He was _almost_ relieved until he felt a horrible, familiar stickiness in his pants. He pushed himself out of the bed, stumbling towards the bathroom, not bothering with the lights - already dark out - and kneeled beside the toilet gagging and heaving again. And then forcing himself to throw up again _._

_And again until he couldn't anymore_.

He weakly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before flushing it all down.

Then he started laughing for a second before it turned into hushed sobbing, hugging himself.

**_Shit_**.

He always knew that there was _something very very wrong_ with him but cumming in his sleep _from that?_

_That_ was low, even for him. He briefly wondered out of all that what exactly was that did it. It just made his stomach turn again, but there was nothing left to throw up.

He quickly undressed and opened the shower, turning the knob as hot as he could stand without screaming, feeling the water stinging his skin and his injuries, digging his nails hard into them, scrubbing his skin raw and pouring way too much soap until the smell made him gag and stood there for who knows how long, before turning it off and slowly stepping away. He focused on the motions his mind completely blank. _Dry off, put some spray on his hair while it's still wet to keep it soft and manageable, wrap himself with the towel, get the hairdryer from under the sink and plug it in, focus on the hot air and brushing it, see if there are any split edges that need to be taken care off. Then turn it off, put it under the sink and put the other hair product that is for after drying - he wasn't even sure what it was for, but it smelt nice and gave him something to do, so he wasn't going to skip it. Then wash his face - avoid looking into the mirror - tap the moisturizer into his skin. Grab cream for his injuries and carefully apply where he could reach. Let it absorb and change into clean clothes -_

The smell of vomit as he exited the bathroom threw him off his routine. He tore the sheets and his pillowcase off and threw them in a heap on the other side of the room and sat on the floor, digging his nails in his scalp, still only a towel wrapped around him.

That's when he noticed - his apartment was... _Tidy_. His closet door was closed, his uniform neatly hung from a hanger on the edge of his library, books neatly put back in their place. On his desk his papers were put into a neat stack, his laptop next to them, plugged in the charger and the chair carefully pushed in, his briefcase next to it. The dishes and cups were washed, put next to the sink to dry and any trash was gone.

The only thing out of place, a little piece of paper on his bedstand next to his phone.

It made his blood freeze. Did that mean - _Akira really came over?_ _How much of it was a dream?_ Yeah, clearly the freaky demon stuff _didn't_ happen but the rest - _Did he really?_

He brought his hand to his lips. They didn't feel split.

_That didn't really mean that much._

He opened the note.

"I was waiting for you to wake up, but it doesn't look like you're going to anytime soon. I cleaned up while I was waiting - don't worry, you should have seen Futaba's room before I took care of it. I put the soup in the fridge, just reheat it when you're up" _\- there was a badly drawn scribble for what looked like a winking cat face with a star next to it. Was it supposed to be Morgana?_ \- "Don't worry about the others. Only me and Futaba know and we're keeping it that way unless something happens or you choose to tell them. I still insist that we should do something about it. However, I won't do anything against your wishes. Take care, _Detective_ " Another star and a small heart.

Akechi stared at it for a minute _before tearing it up into pieces_. He went over to the fridge, took the tupperware out, and walked back into the bathroom, pouring its content in the toilet and flushing, watching the carefully chopped vegetables and rice swirled down.

He didn't want - _No._

_He didn't **need** this. _

_He didn't need anyone's pity._

**_He didn't need anyone._ **

**Author's Note:**

> Me, after writing this: 𝘏𝘮, 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘺 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭.
> 
> I'm not sure about the whump tag. I don't really like tagging works that contain sex as whump -I like to keep my torture porn and my well, porn, separate for personal reasons- but it's mostly not sex/sex focused? Should I remove it? Let me know what you think!
> 
> I was going to tag this as Akechi/Yaldabaoth too, bc that's technically what it is? I guess? But the reveal of Yaldabaoth comes after the first nsfw part and it isn't really him, it's just him pouring lots of nightmare fuel and nightmare!Akiren is (mostly) doing this so...If you think it does need to be tagged that way let me know and I'll add it! I'm really bad at tags and stuff, but works with darker content need to have detailed tags, I wouldn't want to miss anything.  
> Speaking of Yaldabaoth, his design in p5 is fine, but I actually really like the traditional snake/lion description in philosophy(? don't know where demiurge are a thing in English lol), so I used it here, but kept the metal colors and the wings. 
> 
> Also hair is a big thing in this and trust me, as much as I am a hoe, I sincerely don't know many ways to have sex (especially non-vanilla) without grabbing your partner's hair. Not even like roughly or anything, it just helps with everything to have a hand in there? Not to mention with Akechi's long hair (and the fact they both have bangs) there's no way to avoid hair ties -or pulling hair aside every few minutes.  
> But this is freaky fanfic nightmare sex, so we're going to ignore all that.
> 
> The title is a reference to Neon Genesis Evangelion, because yeah, I am that kind of trash. It's also complimentary with the fic it's technically a follow up to (which is technically a chapter to a larger fic I'm never going to finish.)
> 
> I've noticed there are some ideas about villain!Akira working with Shido and Akechi having to work with the pt, BUT in none of these I've seen really mention how utterly fucking pissed and heartbroken would Akechi be about his father -even if he is a good for nothing piece of shit- replacing him like that. This fic isn't that of course, but it is kinda part of the nightmare sequence thing. 
> 
> Reminder, this is just fiction -specifically, weird torture porn, sprinkled with actual porn. I mean torturing someone in their nightmares as a false god isn't something possible, but still this has some fucked up contents the author absolutely does not condone irl. Darker works are just fiction - a way to vent, explore fucked up concepts etc. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you have trouble telling fiction from reality apart or have violent urges that are hard to manage or you think you may act on or put others in danger, go seek professional help!
> 
> On a lighter note, my autocorrect decided to change every instance of the word "hums/hummed" into hummus. That was fun to correct. Thank fuck I caught it XD 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Feel free to let me know your thoughts -or anything else! (ᅌᴗᅌ* )


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